Coping with bereavement
Losing someone we love is one of life’s biggest challenges. Whether it’s a partner, parent, child, other relative or close friend, few things are as painful as losing someone we love. It’s a devastating event, turning our world upside down and changing our life forever. And yet it happens to thousands of people every day. So, how do they cope with the grief?
What is grief?
Grief is the emotional suffering we feel when someone or something we love is taken from us. The way we grieve is as individual as we are and depends on many factors including the significance of the loss, our personality and coping style, our life experience, and our faith or spirituality. While loss affects people in different ways, the following emotions are common to most of us at some point during the grieving process;
Shock and disbelief: The pain of loss can feel overwhelming and hard to accept. We may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. For example, we may keep expecting the person to appear, even though we know they're gone.
Anger: Even if the loss was nobody's fault, we may feel angry and resentful. We may be angry with ourselves, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning us. We may feel the need to blame someone for what has happened.
Sadness: Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. We may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. We may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
Fear: A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. If we’ve lost our partner or a parent we may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure about having to take on additional responsibilities and face life without them.
Guilt: We may regret or feel guilty about things we did or didn't say or do, or for not doing more to prevent the loss - even if it was completely out of our hands. And if the person died after a long, difficult illness, we may feel guilty for being relieved that it’s finally all over.
Physical symptoms: The pain of grief can also disrupt our physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. Nausea, fatigue, aches and pains, upset stomach, breathlessness, and insomnia are all common.
The grieving process
Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can't be forced or hurried, and there’s no ‘normal’ timetable. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, it can take years. Whatever our grief experience, it's important to be patient and to allow the process to unfold naturally. We’ll find that the difficult periods gradually become less intense and shorter as time goes by. But even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.
The five stages of grief
The idea that there are five stages of grief was introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. Through her research, she identified five emotional stages that are frequently experienced by people experiencing grief:
Denial: “This can't be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who’s to blame?”
Bargaining: “Don’t let this happen, and in return I will… ”
Depression: “I'm too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I'm at peace with what happened.”
However, not everyone who grieves goes through all of the stages. Some people resolve their grief without going through any of them, and even if they do go through some, they probably won't experience them in a neat, sequential order. So don't worry about what you ‘should’ be feeling, or which stage you're supposed to be at. For many people the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, and highs and lows.
Coming to terms with our loss
There are several things we can try and do that will help us to deal with our grief so that we can eventually pick up the pieces and move on with our life.
Acknowledge our feelings: We can try to suppress our grief, but we can't avoid it forever. In order to heal, we have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. Remembering happy times with the person who has died can be painful but nonetheless healing. Looking at photographs, making a memory book, and keeping meaningful mementoes may help.
Understand that our grieving process is unique: We mustn’t let anyone judge us or tell us how to feel. Our grief is our own, and no one else can tell us when it's time to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’. It's okay to be angry, to yell, to cry, or not to cry. It's also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when we're ready. And as we get used to coping, we will gradually begin to feel more capable of dealing with our changed circumstances.
Accept there will be unexpected emotions: Even if we’re not able to talk about our loss with others, it can help to express our feelings in a tangible or creative way. For example, by writing them down in a journal, or by making a scrapbook.
Recognize the difference between grief and depression: It’s not uncommon to feel depression at some stage in the grief process. Feelings of depression and emptiness can hit us when the reality of the death begins to sink in. Although it may feel almost unbearable at the time, this seems to be a period when some inner healing takes place. Afterwards, people say they feel lighter, more in control of their lives and better able to look forward. The main thing to remember is that this is not a permanent state. It will pass when its purpose has been achieved. Although some people may need professional help if it deepens and persists.
Self care: We're likely to feel exhausted, especially if we were caring for the person we’ve lost, or if we went through an anxious time before their death. Strong emotions, and dealing with all the practical things that need to be done after a death, can also leave us tired and drained. Returning to a routine can help, as long as we try to balance this with time to reflect on what has happened to us. It’s important to acknowledge our achievements, however small, whether it’s getting up in the morning or preparing a healthy meal… but we shouldn’t try to do too much.
Find support: The pain of grief can often cause us to want to withdraw from others and retreat into our shell. But having the support of other people is vital to healing from loss. That doesn't mean that every time we interact with friends and family we need to talk about our loss. Comfort can come from just being around others who care about us. The key is not to isolate ourselves. Joining a support group so that we can share our feelings with others who have experienced similar losses can also help. No one can grieve for us. We have to find our own way - but we don’t have to walk the road alone.
Although our life may never be the same again, in time we will eventually come to terms with our loss, find new meaning, and be ready to make plans for the future.
Thank you for reading this blog post. If you have any thoughts to share, or ideas for future posts, please do let me know. I would love to hear from you.